I am vastly familiar with the circular path life takes. No matter where I go, I end up in the same spot after a certain amount of time. For me that is somewhere between 6 months and 2 years.
As I sit here looking at what I have been doing for the last few weeks, it is almost as though it is mid-December 2012 as I am doing the exact same things. Yes, the books I am reading are different, the books I am writing are different. But essentially, the same movements.
There is one major difference, though.
My focus. Whereas in the past I would be likely to only notice the bad things, - and I am not talking big things, no the tiny things that make you go grrrrr - now I notice the positive things. I notice when things go right. I noticed the other night how what I was thinking about reflected back at me almost immediately via something I was doing online.
Just another hint from the universe: "Don't give up. Working on it."
I force myself to remember this is all learned behaviors and it has taken awhile to truly get the right frame of mind to work in a more consistent-like manner. And it is difficult as a sub to have to set my own boundaries as when I break those boundaries I am far harsher on myself than any Dom would be. Topping one's self is nigh to impossible.
Over the next few weeks I am likely to be more and more introspective. Always happens around my birth date. I'm always amazed at how happy other's birthdays seem to be when mine is a day I would prefer to pass by without much notice. Well, no that is not true. That, also, is a learned behavior. But if I force myself to think that way, then having no celebration at all won't hurt so much.
Ah, well, today is a beautiful day and I am going to go enjoy it.
Labels: growth, introspection, thoughts